Tiamat's Favorite Food is pancakes. You may think its giant goat, or kraken tentacles, or even mortal heroes, but no its pancakes. Freshly made, perfectly round, and covered in butter and syrup. She cannot get enough of them. This seemingly mortal obsession with a breakfast treat drives her mad with no end.
Backstory[edit | edit source]
Pancake Palooza[edit | edit source]
Near the start of the War of Many Names in 792 PR, an avatar of Tiamat was summoned into the city of Dolmvay, a large city on the continent of Osugbo. As expected, she began tearing through the streets and destroying everything and everyone in her path. Soldiers fled, buildings burned, and screams filled the air. But just as the five-headed terror prepared to fly off to the king's citadel in Dolmvay, Tiamat's white dragon head suddenly froze.
A curious scent had drifted on the wind. Originating from a small diner.
The Short Stack, a cozy little all-day breakfast spot run by the halfling couple Milo and Poppy Honeywhistle. Tiamat ate Milo and Poppy Honeywhistle. But when they turned their neck to destroy the diner in a blast of freezing ice, their enhanced smell caught a whiff of what was inside. Milo and Poppy were attempting to magically boost their pancake output when the commotion started. Naturally, the spell went catastrophically wrong. Thousands of pancakes erupted like a fluffy, buttery avalanche. The diner was bursting at the seems with pancakes there were so many. There were so many pancakes that Steve, the unfortunate desk clerk, disappeared entirely beneath them.
The white dragon head tore through the roof in a frenzy of gleaming teeth and pure fascination. Pancakes everywhere, stacked, covered in melted butter, oozing syrup, hiding Steve’s screaming legs, it was beautiful. With wild abandon, the white head devoured pancakes by the dozens, occasionally pausing to snort indignantly at a slightly burnt one. Steve, by now, was less of a concern and more of an after-dinner garnish. With that, Tiamat flew to the king's citadel.
By the time the other four heads got around to strategizing about conquering Dolmvay, the white head was still rambling about fluffiness, butter ratios, and the perfect golden-brown hue. The blue head, who was the closest to the white head and so got the loudest earful, listened and was intrigued. The other heads were less amused. “We’re supposed to be destroying the city, not obsessing over breakfast!” growled the red dragon head. The black head merely spat bile in disgust, while the green head rolled her eyes. They could not continue the conversation further though, for it was at that moment Tiamat was attacked and her avatar was banished by the heroes of Dolmvay.
The Pancake Obsession Worsens aka The Repeated Kidnappings and Devourings of Pancake Chefs[edit | edit source]
Even in her lair beneath Kiston, Tiamat could not forget the taste of the Dolmvay pancakes even as she waged her war across the realms. Warm, soft, buttery, impossibly sweet… she dreamed of syrup rivers and mountains of fluffy breakfast treats. Thoughts of butter and sweet syrup oozing off the pancakes made her mouth water more than any mortal had before. Finally, she summoned her servant, the black dragon Mezzaak, with a single terrifying command:
“Find me pancakes, the perfect pancakes. The knowledge of pancake forging, a pancake smith! Or die trying.”
Mezzaak first scoured the Cult of the Dragon, hoping someone had magical baking chops and hoping that his search would be short. Thirteen cultists later (all regrettably consumed), it was clear that no one knew how to make pancakes. When you dedicate your lives to serving dragons, you don't have a lot of time to practice your breakfast cooking.
Mezzaak then made his way to Osugbo and to the city of Ravel. Using their draconic strength, they broke open the roof of the first tavern they found and kidnapped an Orcish bar and innkeeper named Gruk. Bringing Gruk back to Tiamat, Mezzaak forced Gruk to make pancakes. Gruk’s pancakes, sadly, were dense, soggy, and vaguely offended the dragon palette. Gruk was then killed. So, of course, Mezzaak returned for another chef. And another. And another.
Eventually, they kidnapped a Halfling named Gip Bittlebottom, a local baker in Ravel. And the pancakes Gip were able to make were divine, the perfect balance of fluff, warmth, and buttery goodness. The white dragon head wept tears of joy. The blue head demanded a second helping. Even the green dragon head eventually conceded, murmuring something about the pancakes being “tolerable, I suppose.” The red and black dragon heads remained unimpressed, muttering about conquest and ruin. They did not care for the breakfast treat for the pancakes turned to ash and bile in their mouths respectively. But they were outvoted by the majority. Gip, understandably terrified, was enslaved to produce pancakes daily, with a team of cultists assigned to assist and to replace him if necessary.
Mezzaak is terrified of what might happen to him if the quality of the pancakes ever goes down, or worse, if Tiamat ever gets a new craving.
Inhabitants of Tiamat's Kitchens[edit | edit source]
Mezzaak the Meek[edit | edit source]
Mezzaak the Meek is an adult black dragon and one of Tiamat's many draconic servants. After he was determined to be too useless to fight on the front lines of the War of Many Names, Tiamat put him to work as her errand boy. His most notable errands for the dragon goddess was finding her suitable pancake chefs. A task which he had to do many times. A task that also earned him the cruel nickname from his draconic peers, "Mezzaak, the Pancake Bitch." Since successfully finding a pancake chef which suited Tiamat's desires, Mezzaak was given the task of overseeing Tiamat's new pancake kitchen, a task Mezzaak very much prefers to errands or fighting. That is because at his core, Mezzaak is lazy, and a coward. So getting to sit around all day watching a halfling cook delicious smelling pancakes is a dream job for the black dragon. But this hasn't stopped the many nightmares Mezzaak has been having for if anything ever happens to Tiamat's favorite chef while on his watch. And as the years pass by and as Gip Bittlebottom grows older, these fears have only worsened.
Gip Bittlebottom[edit | edit source]
Even given the situation, you will not find a more cheerful halfing in all the realms then Gip Bittlebottom. A gleeful man born on the continent of Osugbo, Gip's lifelong dream was to be a baker. For many long years they saved up, and eventually they were able to move to the big city of Ravel where they found work as a cook in the kitchen of a tavern. Their boss was a kindly old dwarf woman named Mardrid, who let Gip practice his baking recipes in the kitchen when he was not on the clock. During this time, Gip met his beautiful wife Sally and they had many kids, all of which Gip named after his favorite treats. From oldest to youngest there was Cookie, Tart, Blondie, Muffin, Eclair, Strudel, Biscuit, Macaron, Biscotti, Snickerdoodle, Churro, and finally Gingerbread. But after long years of working in the tavern, Gip Bittlebottom was unable to get enough money to open his own place. That was until the tavern owner Mardrid retired and as a gift of thanks, gave the tavern to Gip!
With haste Gip and his large family quickly remodeled the tavern into a state of the art bakery where Gip could finally share his treats with the world. Bittlebottom Bakery quickly became the talk of the city, with people from all walks of life from street sweeps to city officials visiting for a quick treat. Gip finally felt fulfilled with his life. He had a loving wife, twelve amazing children, and he had now achieved his life's dream.
But everything changed when one day the black dragon Mezzaak arrived and kidnapped Gip, taking him to the continent of Kiston and forcing him to make pancakes for Tiamat! For a while Gip was distraught, missing his family and missing his bakery. But soon he fell into the rhythm of making pancakes, and oh were they the best pancakes in the world. Gip threw himself into his work, and each day the pancakes were better and better. Throughout it all, Gip kept a happy attitude, hoping that back in Revel, his family was safe and secure.
Gruk the Orc Skeleton[edit | edit source]
Gruk was an orc traveler who was on a quest to circumvent all of Osugbo by foot. One day, Gruk arrived in the city of Ravel and stayed at a local inn. Since he had little to no money, in exchange for a room, Gruk worked as a dishwasher in the inn's kitchen. That was where he was when Mezzaak arrived in Revel and tore the roof off the inn. Believing Gruk was a chef, Mezzaak kidnapped the orc and brought him to Tiamat who ordered Gruk to make pancakes. The problem was Gruk had never made pancakes before, let alone baked. While his attempt was valiant and admirable given his lack of experience, none of that mattered in the eyes of Tiamat who killed him with her many breath weapons.
After Gruk was killed, they were resurrected as a skeleton by Tiamat as punishment and forced to serve as Gip's assistant in the kitchen making pancakes. Though Gruk is not allowed to touch any of the actual pancakes as part of his punishment.
Tiamat's Pancake Opinions[edit | edit source]
The White Dragon Head: Tiamat's white dragon head loves all kinds of pancakes, from soft to fluffy, pancakes buttery and covered in syrup, and from chocolate chip to banana to blueberry to strawberry. As long as the pancakes are good and made with love under the threat of death, the white dragon head will devour as many as they can.
The Blue Dragon Head: Tiamat's blue dragon head loves pancakes almost as much as the white dragon head, but has very specific and strict preferences for how the pancakes must be presented. They must be served in perfect stacks of 13 with an exact butter to syrup ratio of 3:7. All fruits served with the pancakes must be served on the sire on the same plate, but not touching the syrup. And if there is to be anything else added to the pancakes, the Blue Dragon head prefers chocolate chips.
The Green Dragon Head: While not as obsessive over pancakes as the blue and white dragon heads, the Green Dragon head still does enjoy her buttery breakfast discs. Her favorite pancakes are blueberry, not because she prefers them over other variations, but just because that contradicts the Blue Dragon heads favorite.
The Black Dragon Head: The Black Dragon head like the red does not care for pancakes. All that they eat turns to bile in their mouths. Though they have discovered that the one exception to this rule is butter. So while the Green, Blue, and White dragon heads will be consuming their favorite treats, the Black dragon head will be consuming barrels worth of butter.
The Red Dragon Head: The Red Dragon only craves three things: war, murder, and the destruction of all of Quelmar!!! She cannot understand what about pancakes has captured the minds of her other heads.
